＊兔的世界＊

i guess..  there can never be someone, or maybe very little people, in this world who will fall in love with someone by their live chat nick and avatar.

of cuz not just that, it was the communication BEFORE that i had the wrong idea. yes i had the wrong idea cuz its a one-sided love! T___T

i also dunno what happened that we stopped talking like normal. everything was abnormal. talking was difficult. i tried but i guess he doesnt want to respond so lets keep it that way. let life go on like nothing happen.

it is so difficult to try to forget this feeling. maybe, maybe.. i shall stop trying to forget(i am!)_ and then keep this feeling deep inside so nobody will know. i will continue to pray for his happiness. yes i will. and continue to keep this sweet feeling and fond memories inside me.

i know i hasnt been chanting enough 1 hour daimoku to understand myself. and over these few days i have been pondering and reflecting. i know i am not doing enough. so before i ask teacher a question, i must first know what i dun understand about right? :D

and oh, looking at the way i am ignored.. im kinda pretty annoyed. anyway, this is not a shoujo manga and dont think too much oh. DUN THINK TOO MUCH!!

the concert was over yesterday. it (seemed)ended a victory. but not my personal feelings though. somehow i still feel sad. and LLC. sigh. i know i shldnt be. but is it because im in this state thus everyone was able to achieve this victory? if it is, then i would gladly stay like this. if it meant everyone could breakthru.

i am still feeling sad. because ther was no outlet of any kind of me to release my feelings. i've been suppressing. although i said give up, but why do i still feel so sad? although i know its not possible, why do i still think of it coming true someday in the future? this is so self-deceiving.

i cant put my feelings into words. i dunno how, maybe i dun want to. when i read meows' blog, it brings me to where i was in the past. felt like what i'd have said. but now, i feel that im not part of this at all. not at all when i feel so depressed. :(

when i see their similar feelings and 'LC', somehow i feel a strange feeling within. haha. i am so not myself. mus have been possessed by a mushi. everyone wished to be saved by another, but i am taught that only one can save himself. i am such an unworthy disciple of sensei. Of cuz it is alright to live like this if i am not part of the organisation nor practicing this Buddhism but since i am, it means that i cannot do anything that let myself, people around me, the organisation, and most imptly, my mentor down. what should i do?

if you ask me what happen, even i cannot answer you. because i also dunno why i am feeling like this or if there was any particular event that caused me to be like this. there isnt. because there isnt, i dunno how to answer you. if i were to suffer some illness right now, i'd probably sit and wait for death to come. quite depressing.. sobs.

i feel so useless. haha. and probably nobody will even know because im good at acting. heh. (yup this is the devil speaking..) i've probably been devoured by it.

and probably after typing all these, i still feel suppressed but i cannot say it out. i've no courage. ya thats probably the true me, so cowardly and lousy. looking at the me, how can i be a chapter leader to guide others? haha.. i could've jus tell them that i have no potential. give up on me. yay~ its scary.. how weird i can be. how negative my mind is.

if someone stumbled upon this post, jus ignore. im jus venting some of my inner thoughts. nothing said can pull me up, because u dunno what happen and what kind of person i am. XD

haha.. maybe its what as i guessed. i was quite affected by it, for some unknown reason even to me.

"give up" was what i told myself. i took the courage, devised a so-called clever prayer and seriously chanted about it. no doubt about it, i really felt that i was about to let go..or already has, at least not hung on so desperately.

maybe its a women's 6th sense?(even though i doubt that i have it)

hahahaha.. i feel so dumb. dumb because i've always been lying to myself.

and when i see 'evidence' of it, no matter what kind of truth i have been trying to convince myself with, its no use. i know it. so why dont things jus happen clearcut and obviously so that i can totally give up? why make me hang there? why cant i stop thinking about it and then feeling so miserable?

even though it all a situation i conjured in my mind, please, now let it go away. I'll let it go and live a new life of my own.

it hurts. even though i wish it hadnt. now i know what it feels like. those dramatic scenes from dramas and manga. but unfortunately im not the lead. i'll instead live another drama, all by myself.

好累啊。。我知道我的工作上待遇已经很好。。 那，为什么会那么累？

 

 

觉得好像越来越不会表达自己心里的感受了。。

 

 

有时为了顺从别人牺牲自己的主见，

有时不想让周围的人感到困扰，

有时更不想让自己变成焦点。

 

 

总之，现在我有点分不清什么是对，什么是错了。。

 

 

什么时候该为别人付出，什么时候为了不让别人感到厌烦而该做决定呢？

 

 

是该做的事情越来越多，

 

 

不过，比较像是自己的能力减退了。。（同时记忆力也衰退了。。）

 

 

 

好想把时间停止，就躺在床上好好的睡一觉。。

 

 

不然，坐在一角听着永远听不完的好音乐也不错。。

 

 

再想下去可能会让我的境崖越拉越低。还有很多事要做所以只能幻想。

 

 

可能有这些想法的人也蹁布在世界各地只是对我而言，我很想赶快踏出这个迷惑的感觉。心情很糟，吃多少巧克力也没用。读多少鼓励也没用。听别人试图鼓励我，只会雪上加霜。因为现在的心情是复杂的。没有“因为 。。。所以咯” 只有“可能是 。。。 加上 。。。 还有最近。。。也可能是几年前。。”

 

 

最近心里很空虚。 对啦，是感情事。而烦的原因是：只有我一个人烦，不知道为什么烦，到底答案在哪？那一类的。

 

 

觉得没谈过恋爱的人比我幸运。经过风风雨雨的人比我幸运。有美满家庭的人比我幸运。自己搬出来住的人比我幸运。

 

 

总之，现在我的人生好像被绳子悬吊在半空中。Neither left nor right, neither up nor down.

 

 

IM SO LOST!

 

 

让我有些刺激一点的事吧。或许如果我只能活到明天，我会勇敢与积极的去做莫些事。

 

 

 

就。。。说到这。

been so emo recently..

 

isit due to PMS? or puberty? or hormone growth? XD..

 

 

wadever..

 

but i think i've been too self-centered.. so much so that i've mislook the "大局" and am only concerned with my own feelings and interests. SIGHzz..

 

 

even if what im thinkin cant be fulfilled, so what? i have been only thinkin about my concerns.. but all of these wont affect others but only make myself suffer. for what? the devil has been pretty good in doing that to me these while.

 

 

really.. once broken considered sold. i wonder how am i going to pick up from here... GAMBATTE!!

 

 

p.s: im typing here so my kids wont see. haha..

i dunno what to write.. almost suffer from asthma today. time to pack.

lousy hair, lousy mood, lousy life condition = lousy me.

 

shared my testi at senja today.. couldnt be said as a testi because there wasnt much victories. or NONE. it was jus a revision of my life, as an alien.

 

seeing the situation at home made my heart sunk once each time i think about it.. i wonder why.. is it so hard to maintain? or isit because i've slacken?

 

i feel so ashamed to be talking about myself even thou i am a bad example.

 

how many times said abt we must not deny our own life's potential because that would be equivalent to denying the power of the gohonzon? why do i feel that people's life do have the greatest potential to overcome any obstacle but i cant?

 

why do i want to shop and "beautify" my external self but not the more important one which is the inner self? that what's self-denial? i really dunno..

 

 

for now, the only answer i have is "courage". i do not have courage to face this again maybe because im afraid i'll fail.. i do not have courage because i do not think i can achieve it. because of this, this and this.

 

 

then, how could i encourage my YWDs then? how i wish i can disappear from the surface of the earth. but i think this way, sensei will not be happy and instead will be very disappointed at him.. i do not want an old man like him to worry for a small chara like me.. i do wish to go japan to see sensei! but with an absolute victory and not without any achievements to my chapter and the society..

 

no matter how pain, no matter how hard.. i've to push myself step by step,to go forward. pls give me a kick if u see me not doing well.. i deserve it.

怎么着 甩一甩 怎么着 动一动
怎么着 不啰唆 跟着节奏点点头
自我介绍不用太多 这就是我
我只说 怎么着 怎么着 怎么着 怎么着
怎么着 你好吗 怎么着 Hello
1980 8月6日 在这世上降落
3000公克的体重 皮肤嫩嫩红透透
姓潘名玮柏 爸的伟妈的柏
爱哭爱笑爱吵爱闹有点过动
但是我 不拐不抢不骗我也不会偷
不对 我好像有偷过几本小说 非常愧疚
小时候总会做错 但我在七岁时候
已成为班级领袖 黑人白人全都听我
七岁到台北之后 开始学bo po mo fo
老妈说我总把bo po mo fo念成偷偷摸摸
我的确不是神童 但心中有一个梦
总有一天 我会唱歌表演给成千上万的观众
后来接触了篮球 打开了篮球的梦
黑人白人华人场上死命的拼命的跟随着我
我的脾气也暴躁许多 不可一世的摆出面孔
因为战场上可以输给敌人 绝对不可以输给自我
怎么着 还好吗 老师在说有听吗
这些经历就是造就现在的我
这就是我 Ohohoh
我还要Fly爱爱爱 Woo
19岁漂洋过海 大学在美国加州
被邀请参加当地歌唱比赛展现歌喉
冠军宝座万人争夺 对手言语挑衅着我
但我也不甘示弱 Sorry bro 这张第七张喽
我不是超有自信 也没有多少魅力
身高不是太高 没有太多音乐上的经历和背景
但我遗传潘家的魄力 不服输持续的努力
做什么事 一定要做到所有朋友们都看看得起
第一张专辑之前 有人打到环球唱片
问公司为何要签潘玮柏还要发他的唱片
我对歌迷说声感谢 让这个朋友哑口无言
现在会创作制作还能做亚洲的唱片巡演
我的个性没有外表乍看那么的温柔No oh
你要讨厌喜欢我笑我 我也不会啰唆
说我抄袭 膝伤作假 我也懒得反驳
放心 我会加倍奉还 Back for more
怎么着 现在对我挥手
想当初见面的时候你们怎么对我摇摇头
没差 我还是我 Ohohoh

 

 

 

my vox grow algae le.. am posting this in the midst of preparing for tml's prep. :P

wanted to post songs here for a longggg time and here it is. from wilber pan! i bought his latest album!! find it very nice and its a way of encouragin him to continue ba. way to go!!

 

well, heard this (actual)song on video about 2-3 times then i got the clip from my ymd chpt. so lucky everytime get songs that are "unofficial".. XD

anw, today's kenshu was good in a sense it kept emphasizing on certain points and we muz always eternalise in our lives. although most of them are stuff that has been shared before, but i set a resolution again for myself to advance day by day, to resolve my challenges step by step.

was very inspired by the SUJ singing. thus i wan to post this song!! hope that all of you(or maybe only meow) who hears this song will be encouraged to want to seek out to sensei and fulfill our responsibility and mission as a mbr of Ikeda Kaiyo group.

(since meow leng teaches u'll chinese, i shall learn english tgt w all of u - i only got a 7 for my O's. =(( )

On the path of peace

The dreams that came before us are engraved in travertine.
Let us cherish what is given, and embark on this endeavour.

Thousand-colored banners wave amid unceasing winds.
As champions of one world, we bare this stuff together.

Love shines within those that seek common ground.

Our footsteps in the present will be paths of peace one day.
Meeting the eyes of others, humanity embraced.
Our hearts create momentum, our hands provide the way.

Our pen expounds a future drawing wisdom from within.
Forging scholars firm in action, guarding arts of liberty.

The lion's noble call summons justice to its feet.
The roar of our conviction echoes thorough eternity.

Hope swells within hearts that act despite fear.

Our footsteps in the present will be paths of peace one day.
Meeting the eyes of others, humanity embraced.
Our hearts create momentum, our hands provide the way.

 

1. travertine - a sedimentary rock. It is a natural chemical precipitate of carbonate minerals; typically aragonite, but often recrystallized to, or primarily, calcite. Often used as a building material.

2. endeavour - to exert oneself to do or effect something; make an effort; strive: we must constantly endeavor if we are to succeed. –verb (used with object)

3. arts of liberty -  freedom from control, interference, obligation, restriction, hampering conditions, etc.; power or right of doing, thinking, speaking, etc., according to choice.

4. justice -

a.	to act or treat justly or fairly.

b.	to appreciate properly: we must see this play again to do it justice.

c.	to acquit in accordance with one's abilities or potentialities: he finally got a role in which he could do himself justice as an actor.

 

哈哈。。我又偷懒了！说好不再办公时间做工作以外的事，不过真的很困难。在听着一些音乐。。是打开电脑其中一项重要的事情。。 XD 听着五月天的这张专辑让我联想到了许多事。如大家说知道的，我喜欢把事情连接到歌曲或歌词里。对我来说，旋律和有意义的歌词最能够表达我所不能表达的言语。

这两首歌满。。真实，确实的反应了人们的生活。请问你的人生在听这首歌s时有产生共鸣吗？这也是我认为是（你）现在的感受吧。原谅我之前的任性和annoyance.

请欣赏！

 

 

 

生存以上 生活以下
作词：五月天阿信
作曲：五月天玛莎

连刷牙 也照著节奏
冲了马桶 洗了脸上的疲倦泡沫
没有梦 昨夜没有梦
镜子里的陌生人 已经不再做梦
上课钟 变成打卡钟
单行道般的人生流失在车阵中
进行曲 规律的平庸
活的像是 一句标语压韵而服从
午餐是 随便还是 都好还是
跟你一样的任何一种
奇怪呢 很久以前
我是很有想法主见 心跳很执著
伤心再也不吹风 现在只害怕伤风
耽误了谁和谁的要求
[一天一天 看日升日落 看月圆月缺
年复一年的经过 看谁把我变成现在的我
怕潮起潮落 怕患得患失 错了又错的疼痛
终于我的生命只剩生存
活著只会呼吸吃饭喝水的生活]
小时候 只要看天空
枕著白云 就觉得全世界都拥有
长大了 拥有的更多
为何感觉到越来越匮乏越贫穷
那一年 只追逐自由
现在只能 追逐著涨不停的石油
是不是 地壳又震动
要从家里震落 才悔恨这样生活
生活的反面会是死去
还是这般生存不再有冲动
闭上眼 就能感觉
生命正在 一分一秒 飞奔远离我
还不如一只昆虫 至少能破茧展翅
飞向那被夺走的天空
[一天一天 看日升日落 看月圆月缺
年复一年的经过 看谁把我变成现在的我
怕潮起潮落 怕患得患失 错了又错的疼痛
终于我的生命只剩生存
活著只会呼吸吃饭喝水的生活]
一年有 三百六十五个日子
五十二万 五千多分钟
一生有 三十四亿 五千六百
七十八万 九千下脉搏
为爱而生之后 生命要怎么挥霍
直到我化成烟的时候
[一天一天 看日升日落 看月圆月缺
年复一年的经过 看谁把我变成现在的我
怕潮起潮落 怕患得患失 错了又错的疼痛
终于我的生命只剩生存
活著只会呼吸吃饭喝水的生活
一天一天 看日升日落 看月圆月缺
年复一年的经过 曾经我也那么独一无二
怕潮起潮落 怕患得患失 错了又错的疼痛
终于我的生命只剩生存
活著只会呼吸吃饭喝水的生活]
连刷牙 也照著节奏
然后设定了明天 六点半的闹钟

 

 

 

 

你不是真正的快乐
词曲：阿信

人 群中 哭著 你只想變成透明的顏色
你再也不會夢 或痛 或心動了
你已經決定了 你已經決定了
你 靜靜 忍著 緊緊把昨天在拳心握著
而回憶越是甜 就是 越傷人了
越是在 手心留下 密密麻麻 深深淺淺 的刀割
[你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼]
這 世界 笑了 於是妳合群的一起笑了
當生存是規則 不是 你的選擇
於是妳 含著眼淚 飄飄盪盪 跌跌撞撞 的走著
[你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼]
你不是真正的快樂 你的傷從不肯完全的癒合
我站在你左側 卻像隔著銀河
難道就真的抱著遺憾一直到老了 然後才後悔著
你值得真正的快樂 你應該脫下你穿的保護色
為什麼失去了 還要被懲罰呢
能不能就讓 悲傷全部 結束在此刻
重新開始活著

 

 

好笨的我！！PO完了才发现我convert 错歌了。。 现在得删掉然后重新在PO过。Grrr..